


and with your love, you wander ever-more in the dim woods, and drink forgetfulness

by Xelfi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-15
Updated: 2013-03-15
Packaged: 2017-12-05 09:16:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/721393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xelfi/pseuds/Xelfi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation between those left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and with your love, you wander ever-more in the dim woods, and drink forgetfulness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gatsbyparty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatsbyparty/gifts).
  * Inspired by [of us your friends, a weary crowd that press about the gate or labour at the oar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/445648) by [gatsbyparty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatsbyparty/pseuds/gatsbyparty). 



She found him in daylight hours with half his face pressed against the table and a depleted glass of green tinted liquid encircled in a slackened grip while the fingers of his free hand traced the faint grooves in the wood before his eyes as though attempting to decode its inner secrets. She'd never known him to overindulge, and hoped this was merely a temporary measure to replace a comfort now well out of reach. It would be too much to know that surviving the worst lead to nothing more than slowly succumbing to unforeseen complications. He looked terrible, and she was quick to accept her portion of the blame, hating herself a bit more each time her gaze caught on the imperfections of his rumpled uniform. She slipped gracefully onto the bench opposite him and let one hand slide across the table's surface to give him some chance to notice her presence before she could gather the nerve to speak and startle him. He responded by curling his searching fingers into a fist and shutting his eyes tight before lifting himself up into a slightly less unsightly slouch. He released his loose hold on the glass to press a hand dampened by condensation to his face and forehead before continuing upward to run through his hair. The moisture likely helped him regain some semblance of focus, because he managed to break the silence with an unusually quiet murmur. "So, I really fucked that one up."

It was a rather redundant confession, considering that he was here instead of in orbit, and she had already received notice of his denied attempt to board the shuttle and a brief summary of the debacle. There was a far more important question that required an answer first.

"Is your cover secure, Karkat?"

He snorted, finally got around to opening his eyes, and bitterly asked, "Which one?" before he slumped back in his seat, unable to meet her stare for more than a moment. "I didn't notice anybody unreasonably suspicious. You know, beyond the usual morbid curiosity and secondhand embarrassment when a troll loses all semblance of dignity and decorum near you. Have to wonder just how many assholes wait to flip their shit right before boarding because nobody there seemed especially _surprised_. Fuck, it's probably their only entertainment on the job--placing bets on which piece of trash is going to crack first--except in my case it was undoubtedly so obvious that they just skipped right over to the next bulgelicker and made preparations to haul me away in advance."

She rarely ever knew for sure what she could say to bring him out of the worst of his moods, and rarer still that it was her place to do so, but this time she attempted reassurance since the usual lightly barbed banter was off the table for now due to her rapidly increasing feelings of guilt. "I did assign several other agents to board alongside you. The operation will be more difficult for them without your support but I am certain the more ambitious trolls are glad for the opportunity to prove their capabilities and rise through the ranks. You may also have diverted attention from other suspicious behavior. In fact, that is how I chose to report the situation--that you willingly acted as a distraction in the face of unexpectedly tight security. You may have a black mark on your imperial record but you also earned invaluable trust from our allies." Lies never really sat well with her but they were well hidden behind an impassive mask and her opinion that he deserved every shred of trust others placed in him, ill begotten or otherwise. His loyalty to the cause was unquestionable.

He sighed, but his spine seemed a little straighter. "Thanks for that. Now I just have to wait for someone else to screw something up to inherit the unsubtle scorn of the general public and we can all just forget the whole thing ever happened in the first place." Wishful thinking; Karkat kept careful stock of all his actual and perceived failings. However, he seemed more confused than troubled when he continued on to ask, "How did you even know where to find me? I came here straight from the holding cell. What did you do, follow the stench of despair and excrement? Because I swear to the Gods that they haven't mopped the damn thing since the day it was welded together and the last fucker in there developed a troubling interest in interior design. Remind me to incinerate these shoes by the way. At least I maintained the presence of mind to avoid sitting down or breathing too deeply."

Kanaya could have done without the details and communicated her distaste through a calculated grimace, preferring to leave it at that. "The information network increases by the day; the employees of this sopor distribution center happen to be on our payroll as of last perigee. When I learned you had been detained I planned on negotiating with the guards for your freedom but by the time I arrived you had already been released. You must have been exceptionally well behaved while in custody."

She expected a caustic response to the casual ribbing, as though testing for shark-infested waters with a splash of blood, but contrary to expectations he ignored the remark completely and instead turned his head to observe the single remaining employee as he cleaned up after the long departed clientele. There were many trolls prone to violence, yet still lacked a moirail to pacify them, whom frequented this modest establishment for chemically assisted peace of mind, but they had all retreated back to their blocks for the day.

Karkat then proceeded to surprise her with a bark of laughter cracking his face into a grin. "It's like we're in a goddamn espionage film along with all the clichés. Of course you'd have the mixologists up your sleeves. The Empire's counterintelligence team is a fucking disgrace. Bet they never even sat through a single Jaimes Bawned flick." His amusement continued on for a moment before he remembered his somber mood and flattened his lips into a thin line as all mirth faded away. Kanaya was fairly certain that he'd planned countless movie marathons that undoubtedly included that particular famous spy series with a certain pachyderm in the corner that she ought to get around to mentioning already instead of ceaselessly dancing around the subject.

"He didn't leave you, Karkat."

For a moment he remained unnaturally still before he abruptly rose to his feet, banged his knees on the table, cursed loudly, and fell back down into his seat. She'd already blocked his exit from the booth by the time he gathered enough wits to slip off the cushion, and he stared up at her with a feeble attempt at an assertive expression that looked more sickly than anything else. "I don't want to talk about it, Kanaya."

He was going to have to deal with it. "I spent long hours considering his behavior and have come to the conclusion that there was nothing you did that prompted his flight and I am solely to blame for his decision to leave. We had a terrible argument that I naively believed to be forgiven and forgotten upon its conclusion, but instead he stewed silently and waited until after your scheduled departure to disappear. It was purely by chance that the launch was delayed long enough for you to receive the report; it's unlikely that you would have gotten secure access to that information in orbit. He didn't want you to know because he didn't want to hurt you. What he probably wanted was to punish me by forcing me into the awkward position of having to retrieve him before you returned, likely expecting a liberal amount of bowing and scraping to mollify his disgust with me, and while I do feel that he is grossly overreacting I will freely admit I should have been far more sensitive to his feelings considering the circumstances." She took a deep breath, feeling as though she had rambled long enough and it was time to tie a bow on the awkward confession. "I'm sorry, Karkat; none of this should have happened."

It simply wasn't fair. None of this would have occurred were it not for a vengeful god taking control of Sollux as though he was nothing more than a pawn to be used as he pleased rather than an autonomous individual to be respected. To be completely removed from the actions taken by his body--there was little wonder why he found the situation so upsetting. Paired with his usual cantankerous attitude, the difficulty in dealing with it properly left him vulnerable and ready to lash out like a cornered beast at every perceived slight, and how could his moirail be of any use after being ordered into space? Upon reflection, her own terrible mood following the horrific massacre and her inability to stop it simply couldn't compare to Sollux's experience.

Karkat gaped at her for several moments after she fell silent, then grimly considered her words for a few moments more before nodding in agreement. "We're just a bunch of assholes caught in the grip of powers beyond comprehension, aren't we? And there's fuck all we can do about it."

Thinking that perhaps their friendship wasn't as ruined as she feared it would be, Kanaya took a half step back and offered a hand to help Karkat upright. He hadn't had much to drink but between his small build and little to no prior experience with sopor-infused beverages, she worried he might be a bit unsteady on his feet. Karkat accepted her help without a word and as her suspicions regarding his probable impaired balance proved accurate, she stooped down and maneuvered an arm around her neck to support him properly. "Perhaps one day things will be different. It is that hope that spurs on revolutionaries… or so I hear."

He laughed again, with only a hint of bitterness, "The poor bastards."

His assigned block is close, and the walk is mostly quiet and without incident beyond a few corrected missteps as drowsiness set in. She walked him to his door and said, "Sleep dry; you should have more than enough sopor in your system to rest easy as it is so there's no point in risking a small coma. You will have a few days before being expected to return to your regular duties, though, so feel free sleep as long as required."

Used to her fussing, he simply replied, "Yeah, yeah," through a yawn as he sleepily unlocked the door and stepped inside, but turned back for one last thing. "Hey, Kanaya?"

She knew the question without it needing to be asked. "I'll let you know the moment I find him.."

"Thanks," he said, and offered a rare, sleepy smile as he eased the door closed behind him. She waited until she heard the soft creak of furniture rather than anything catastrophic before she turned away to return to her own block. 

She would not sleep as well as Karkat did that day, his nightmares muddled more by ingested sopor than the mild effects of what soaked through her skin, and her guilt would linger until the day Sollux reappeared just as suddenly as he vanished. He would return with a famous human in sea dweller skin as his matesprit and a far more concrete promise of different days to come. While she would be too far away to assist in the Empress's assassination, she would be just close enough to secure them all safe transport from their reeling city to another with its own set of issues to overcome, but the day would be counted as a victory and brief respite from all the work that was to come.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn't screw up the setting, characters, and relationships of this AU too badly. :x I ended up having a lot less time than expected over the past month so I'm pretty much just relieved that I was able to at least complete something to submit before the deadline. ._.
> 
> I'll also just laugh uncomfortably at the title because I was never very good with poetry and I pretty much just googled the remixed fic's title to look up the poem and thought this other line kind of fit what I wrote? It probably means something else entirely in context but I chose to interpret it here as Karkat feeling abandoned by his (pale) lover and attempting to drown his sorrows in sopor infused beverages. (Clearly I am a master of subtlety.)


End file.
